Podcast five: Is dating just a game?

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My Grandma has been by far the best person to give me advice on dating and men; the reason why? Back in her day, there weren’t any dating apps, there wasn’t any whats app heck, there wasn’t even public transport. As such, it took a lot of effort and time to “court” someone and you would have to have a lot of free time to be dating more than one person.

In this day and age, with the introduction of tinder, bumble, happn and if we are honest living in a culture where any person is disposable, has dating just become a game? As always we give our opinion on the dating game, players, if there is an end goal and even if you go get into a relationship, do the games stop then?

Enjoy X

 

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Cal the Criminal

Hi guys,

Thanks for coming back again and sorry for the slight delay, LA has been too fun! Enjoy my next disaster date, this was one of my faves…

Following a slightly painful start back on the dating scene, my faith certainly hadn’t been restored in the world of love. I was now a year and half down the line of being single and as I am sure you can well imagine, had become fairly skeptical as to if there truly were any good guys out there. I had deleted any form of dating app in my phone,I think most people tend to have a bit of a love hate relationship with them anyway (check out our podcast on apps) and was extremely cautious as to who I was willing to go on a date with. After spending a night with a TV presenter that basically made me never want to watch TV again, I had made the decision, that unless there was one hundred million percent something there, I would not be going on a date. As such, I hadn’t seen a date in while. 

So, I am sure you can imagine my delight when on a night out in Liverpool Street, the tallest darkest most  handsome man came over to the bar. All of the girls (me included) swooned as he walked by and for the first time since my last disaster date, I have to admit, I was pretty giddy when the tall dark handsome suited stranger bought me a drink and asked me out on a date. 

Turns out my dreamy drink buyer was called Cal and as we chatted over drinks, Cal became more and more of a catch. He was out celebrating his last day working as a commodities trader in one office as he had been headhunted to a larger organisation to take over a bigger portfolio. He lived in Notting Hill, but was staying in a hotel in central due to moving to his new place in West. Now, I know we shouldn’t have tick list ladies, but so far…

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As the next weekend came round, I was looking forward to meeting Cal again, he had actually been pretty charming and seemed (dare I say it) normal to talk to. I met him at a bar in central and as I shuffled my way through the busy entrance, I caught a glimpse of him, already with a table, looking all chiseled and hot and stuff, with my glass of processo already on hand (what a dream boat!). 

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I cozied up on the sofa next to Cal and felt relaxed as our conversation was great. He was so easy to talk to. We caught up on our weeks plans and was excited to hear more about his new job. 

“So” I asked “Tell me more about the new job” 

“Ah” he said, sipping his processo “Well, technically, I haven’t actually got a new job yet. I have a restrictive clause in my contract so have to wait until that runs up, but I just know  the bigger competitor want me”

I eyed him, I work in HR and know that a restrictive clause doesn’t stop you getting a new job. Not quite as he had initially explained, but hey, maybe it was drunk talk when we had initially met, although we had been speaking over whats app most of the week and that hadn’t been mentioned.

I shook it off and picked up the bottle of prosecco to pour myself another glass, I was slightly surprised when a trickle of bubbles dripped into the remainder of my glass. The bottle was empty. Had Cal nailed a bottle of bubbly before I had got there?! I had heard of first date nerves and all, but if I had done a bottle of prosecco before a date, I wouldn’t just be relaxed, I would be asleep, no doubt nursing a pizza box. Cal must have seen my look of surprise on my face (as I do not have a poker face) and ordered another bottle to the table. 

As the date and conversation continued, I was now quite aware of how quickly Cal could put away a prosecco. After another bottle was turned upside down in the cooler (in this time I had managed half a glass), I decided to slow my sips as I watched Cal start on another bottle. 

As quickly as the prosecco was going down, Cal was also knocking out some revelations that he had failed to mention over the course of the week. I asked him what he was doing the following weekend… 

“Ah, I will probably just be looking after my son” (second fail to mention). Now I have nothing against people having children but was fairly surprised as Cal continued. “Yeah” he sligthly slurred “He’s a great kid, I can’t believe he is starting high school next year.” Ladies Cal was 25 at the time, his kid was nearly 11. You do the math. 

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As the conversation continued, more revelations followed. After establishing that Cal was unemployed, had a child he had failed to mention and had evidently been a little promiscuous in his early years, we then moved onto the subject of hobbies… 

“Well, I have a fairly interesting hobby and I’ve actually made money from it for a while”. Ooo, now that did sound interesting; who doesn’t love an entrepreneur? I am all about doing what you love and what a bonus if you can make a profit from it! Turned out (just like Cal) it wasn’t quite what I was expecting… 

“I play Poker, semi professionally” Okay, so some people may think that is cool, but honestly, it just did nothing for me, I don’t even know how to play and with a face like a story book, I can’t imagine that I would be much good either. I tried to sound interested… 

“Wow, that is different” polite but not false response. “How did you get into that? I asked. 

Cal continued… “Well I actually couldn’t drive for a little while and struggled to get a job” 

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I saw where this was heading… 

“Oh” I responded, perturbed. “And why was that?” Need I even ask? I knew what was coming… 

“Ah, I was actually banned from driving” I took a big gulp of prosecco. 

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“Oh” I said, trying to sound relaxed (totally not relaxed). “Drink driving?” 

Cal looked offended at my question. “Good god no!” he responded as he nailed down another prosecco. “It was speeding, I was doing 90” 

Ah, not as bad as I thought…

“In a 20 zone” he finished. 

There we go, 90 in a school zone..

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Well, at least Cal’s drunk revelations had yet again confirmed that dating in London was basically a trip to the circus where I could have my pick of who’s who from the freak show. I sipped my prosecco and wondered if other girls had this kind of luck dating, Carl continued to jabber on about his speeding and how it was difficult not to speed in Audi RS4 (chav). I was done being polite… 

“You do know you could have killed someone and lucky you didn’t go to prison!” I snapped. 

He leaned back and as smoothly as he had talked in the bar when we initially met dropped the line.. 

“Yeah babe and I certainly don’t want to be going back there” 

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And that ladies and gents was the end of that date. 

After a year and a half of dating, it was official, I was done with it. Following Cal, I actually spent a good few months to myself and was genuinely a lot happier alone than I was dating (we’ve all been there). It is actually rather amusing when you are single, that your married/long term relationship friends treat you like a pity case “You will meet some one when you least it expect it” or “Don’t worry, you have time” 

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I remember one day in the office, a colleauge came out with a great line. “Why don’t you try falling for your best friend? Or go for someone outside of your usual type?” 

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At the time, I though my friend was being beyond dumb. Surely, if I had any guy friends where we had thought there was potential, both parties would have noticed by now? And why would I fancy someone who wasn’t my type? Turns out, that was exactly what happened next. 

The next couple of posts (and another to follow later down the line) are all about my Work Wife and the little saga that will always ensure I give the recommendation not to date some one from the office….

As always, thanks for reading 

x

The TV Presenter – That wouldn’t turn off

Following a few months well and truly away from dating, I found myself in a familiar bar spot with the girls on a Saturday night. We were a couple of bottles of prosecco’s down and talking about heading to a more classy venue in Mayfair, a conversation that we always had but inevitably ended up in Cargo (which for anyone outside of London looking a comparison is basically Sankeys…enough said) We also always ended up playing some ridiculous game like never have a I ever or some teenage type of truth or dare. Basically, my life hasn’t evolved since the age of 16, I just have more disposable income (and even saying that is slightly optimistic) 

Anywhoo, as we drank our prosecco and chatted away, I looked over at the bar queue to see if now would be a good time to stock us up on another bottle. As I did, my eye was caught immediately by a guy at the bar. 

Now, when a stranger catches your eye, lets be honest, it isn’t usually because of their mega hot personality, 9/10 times it’s because they are looking pretty. However, on this occasion, this wasn’t really the case. The guy stood at the bar was not my usual type, around 5”10 with dark cropped hair and draped in a dark green leather jacket (yes I said that), I couldn’t help but stare over. I recognised that guy from somewhere! Had I worked with him? Did I go to school with him? 

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The stranger turned around and I could now see his face more clearly.

Ok, so I definitely recognised him. Who was this man?… He looked over at the table and caught me mid stare. It was only at this point, I realised that I probably looked like a bit of a creep and was staring so intently I was practically squinting. Embarrassed, I looked away and shuffled for something to make me look preoccupied. This ended with me toasting a candle, great diversion and smooth as always. 

After finishing my delicious candle, I walked over to the bar, keen to avoid the man I had just basically eye raped. As I grabbed the final bottle at the bar, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to be greeted by the stranger I had stared at rather intently earlier. Hmm, he was actually kind of cute. 

“Hey” he said smoothly. “I’m Tim” and stuck out his hand. 

What was this? A handshake? Mid bar? Formal. I awkwardly held my hand out to shake back (what else was I supposed to do?!) and I as I did eyed Tim over. He was actually kind of cute and it’s not very often I would comment on something like this, but had a very lovely voice (it’s what every girl wants no?). And I still really recognised his face. And as if he had read my mind (or very obvious staring)…

“Yeah you recognise me right? Don’t worry, I get it a lot, I’m on TV” 

THAT WAS IT! He was a TV presenter, now I realised. I smiled, glad I wasn’t going crazy (already there fyi). He continued…

“But I couldn’t help noticing just how pretty you are. And let’s be honest you weren’t just staring because you thought you knew me” he smirked. I half expected him to finish the sentence with this…

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Wow, next level confidence.

Not wanting to bruise his ego (as I wasn’t actually staring for that reason) I agreed to a date the next week. He was cute, confident and I do love an extrovert. As the week went by, I can’t say it wasn’t weird seeing the guy I was going on a date with on my TV every night and turns out, I knew more about politics than any other person in the office (one week only guys). 

When Friday night came round, I headed over to the cocktail bar that we had agreed to meet. As I arrived, I asked the waitress for the table under Tim’s name. 

“Sorry Miss” she replied “He hasn’t arrived yet” 

I looked around the dimly lit cocktail bar and realised that the whole of the lounge was filled by pairs. I would for sure look like the third (maybe twenty third wheel) if I sat down now, so politely excused myself to wait in the local pub until Tim arrived. 

As I walked into the pub, I felt a little more comfortable surrounded by a surge of Millwall fans (mega lolz). I pulled out my phone and text Tim…

“Are you on your way? I am waiting in the pub next door and going to grab a drink, what would you like?” I pressed send. 

Within seconds Tim responded…

“Hey bae, running late, will be there is ten and do me a favour, surprise me yeah?” 

Hmmm, 20 minutes late for a date and now trying to engage in some alcohol based trivia with me. Not a great start on Tim’s part. I ordered the glass of wine and waited for his arrival. 

After another 20 minutes (not 10) passed, when like a whirlwind Tim rushed through the pub door.

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Donned in a velvet blazer and chino’s, looking like a young Hugh Heffner, I was a little surprised at how over (and not so well) dressed he was. 

“Bae” he exclaimed (dying inside right now) “I am so sorry I am late, I must seem like such an arse hole, but you know what the TV game is like”

I couldn’t decide at that stage what was funnier, the blazer, the comment or watching 10 50 year old Millwall fans roll their eyes and giggle as they shot me looks of concern. Tim downed the glass of red wine (without a thank you I will note) and whisked me away from the pub and to the cocktail lounge. 

Thankfully (or maybe not so thankfully), we hadn’t lost our table and after being seated by the waitress and our first cocktails ordered, I finally began to relax, when suddenly. 

“So, bae” he started (so loudly the rest of the cocktail lounge jumped simultaneously) “You are looking dee-vine, now, let me tell you what happened for me to be here so inexcusably late”

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As Tim went into explaining the reasons he was late (that I certainly wasn’t listening to), I continued to observe him. Had he been this loud in the bar? And why was he trying to fit so adjectives into one sentence? I glanced around and the quiet looking couple of the table next to us, stared over, obviously agitated by the conversation around Tim being late that they could here… them and me both, what I would give to be the third wheel now…

“What do you think bae?” he asked. I snapped back from my day dream. Shit. What did I think. Should I toast a candle again? That would surely distract him. Nope, let’s just go for it…

“Yeah, I totally agree” I nodded (worth a shot). Wow, it seemed to work, Tim continued to talk as my agreement to the conversation seemed to appease him. And when I mean Tim continued to talk, I mean Tim continued to talk…

“This time on set once was hilarious…”

“And you know, when you get stopped on the street it’s pretty embarrassing…”

“Meeting Ricky Gervais was such a dream…”

“No one believed in me when I initially got into acting…”

“Girls just love knowing I am on TV…”

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Two. Of. The. Longest. Hours. Of. My. Life. Later…

“So B, what do you do?” he asked (the first question he had asked me on the whole date!). It almost threw me off as I was awakened from my day dream where I had descended into thoughts around drowning myself in my shallow cocktail or how acceptable it would be to pretend faint on a date. I replied, but within seconds the conversation had veered back to Tim. Jeez, at least when he was on my TV I could turn him off – no option to do that here! 

After another hour of Tim talk, I simply couldn’t bear any more and made my excuses to order my Uber. Tim followed me outside and was loitering around. Surely he couldn’t think the date had gone well? 

“So B” he asked “Where are you heading back to?” 

I told him where I was heading back to. 

“Great bae!” he replied (loud as always) “I’m heading back that way, let’s pool” 

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Oh. Good. God. No

I couldn’t take anymore of Tim talk. But what could I say? 

“I would rather walk home through Leytonstone and risk being stabbed than be in a confined space with you?” Probably a bit much.

As Tim and I jumped in an Uber, I tried to think of a way I could not engage? Do a pretend sleep maybe? No such luck. As Tim continued to chat, I continued to try and find inner peace

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It wasn’t working. 

As Tim continued to talk, I noticed that he had pulled out chewing gum and offered some to me. Surely this wasn’t going where I though it was… 

“So B” he smiled (his very dazzling TV smile)

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“Seeing as we are here, you know, in the back of this taxi, let’s make out like sixteen year olds, yar?” As he leaned in, I felt only one emotion…

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“Sorry Tim, I don’t kiss on first dates” and with that lie told the Uber pulled outside my house. 

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Home. Turf.

As the Uber pulled away, I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god that was over. What an awful start to being back on the dating scene. Well at least it couldn’t get worse than that I thought to myself. Turns out, I was wrong about that too….

Thanks for reading!

B

x

Podcast Three: Cheating 

So ladies and gents, thanks for coming back and listening to another cast. Today we discuss cheating, covering boundaries, what constitutes as cheating, if is monogamy an outdated concept and as always our experiences and advice. Next week we are leaving it open to you guys as to what we discuss, feel free to drop me a DM on Instagram or a PM through my blog!

As always – Enjoy! X

Tinder Take Two: The Surgeon and The Show Off

So, before I begin this post, I just want to summarise why I felt the need to write about the Surgeon and the Show off (aka. Sam and Joey). Firstly, both of the above gents are probably the most intelligent guys I have met (for very different reasons) and I had a great time with them (but with very different stories to tell). This post is all about my second time round on Tinder, talking about the rare “spark” we all search for, he start of the story of Joey and I (strap in guys it’s a turbulent one) and the age old question – WHY DO WE ALWAYS PICK THE BAD BOYS?! …

…A couple of months passed following Oscar and I’s break up. I had a “cleanse” from dating and was feeling refreshed after lots of friend, drinking and gym time. Following one of the many crazy nights out (feeling hungover and needy in bed), I begrudgingly rekindled with my old red flame – Tinder. For anyone who has been in a relationship and then re-downloaded the apps, well…

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You feel me…

As I swiped through the profiles, I felt slightly underwhelmed and scared for my single future. Why were there so many weirdo’s in the world of dating? After swiping left and right for ten minutes, I inevitably gave up and resigned myself to the fact that there were no normal men in London (dramatic much) and I would be single forever…

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I pulled myself away from my phone and decided to prep myself for Monday and it was an important Monday at that. After long and hard thoughts, at the time, I had decided to look for a new job back in the corporate world. As sad as I was to leave the company, I had landed myself a great new job and was looking forward to the new challenge. As I planned my outfit, I started to get a little knot in my tummy (anxiety strikes) as I thought about the next day. I felt like a kid about to start my first day at school. Would I be good at my job? Would the offices be fun? Would the people be nice? (Please take a real note of the last question for later down the line). My phone buzzed startling me out of my day dream.

TOM

I picked up the message. Following Oscar and I’s breakup, Tom had been hot on my heels to meet for dinner. I had put off us meeting a few times for fear of Tom and I not being in the same place. Following his drunken out pour of how much he regretted us coming to an end, I had been skeptical of his feelings towards me, but as I couple of months passed I felt this had probably subsided and had agreed to meet Tom for dinner and drinks to celebrate my new job.

The week passed incredibly quickly after starting my new job, it was a whirl of introductions, new things to learn and a long commute across the wonderful central line everyday, so by the time Friday came round, I was ready for dinner with Tom. We met at a Reds True BBQ If you haven’t been already, you’re based in East London and are not (I repeat, not) a vegetarian; put this blog down and go and order the donut burger immediately).

It was great to catch up with Tom; we chatted about work, friends, holidays – he was heading off to Thailand with his housemate Jamie and was really excited about it. He had moved into his new place with Jamie and another two guys. Just going to throw it out there ladies, I can vouch (as can my friends) that was a wonderful wonderful house…. it was always real pleasure waking up with one topless hot man, but when there’s 4 wandering around…

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I digress …

As Tom and I chatted, it felt relaxed (as always) and I loved catching up with him. Tom always made me feel at home, it was so frustrating that he was so nice, good looking but for the life of me I couldn’t feel that “spark” (that we all search for). After a lovely evening, Tom and I headed home (separately I might add).

“I’ll call you!” he shouted. I waved and smiled, I really did want to hear from Tom again, but my gut told me we were definitely in different places. I shook it off and checked my phone; notifications from the girls whats app group, work emails, Mum (obvs) and two Tinder notifications

“Joey”

“Sam”

Great, I thought to myself, probably a couple more weirdo’s. Again, I am probably being dramatic here, I had actually been pretty lucky to meet Tom and Oscar on my first ever Tinder dates (check out my Amazon vs. Google guy post) and at the time, the app had just taken off so there seemed to be a lot of people to have conversations with. As I sat on the tube home, I opened the app and checked out the two guys;

Sam, 31, Surgeon – I scanned through Sam’s pictures and profile. He had a detailed bio and was “traditionally” good looking. He had cropped hair and wore a suit in most of his pictures, in another picture was riding in a helicopter and another was an action shot of him playing polo…

Jeez … I thought to myself, not sure of how I felt about the polo shot. Following my last (and only) experience of polo, I had vowed never to watch it again or associate with people that did.

For anyone who has ever been to a Polo match, it is basically a swarm of people who deem themselves as middle/upper class but are about as cultured as a new build flat. They also tend not to like a northern accent and will openly mock you for it. However,  they have very little to say when you then mention that it may be a little more hilarious that they look like carbon copy Ken dolls and it was slightly embarrassing that ten fully grown men had turned up wearing the same chino/jumper tied round their shoulders/family crest little finger ring combo. It was a bit quieter then. Guess who let them know that then drank all their expensive champers…

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I swiped to the next profile and smirked to myself…

Joey, 29, 99% positive feedback on Ebay – ok so bit different from a surgeon, but also funnier. I flicked through the pictures. Ok, so Joey was a lot different to surgeon Sam. His pictures were all over the world; him diving, surfing, posing in front of a waterfall (eye-roll) and he generally looked well travelled and super fun. Probably one of the more shallow things to note, Joey was also tall, tanned and the most amazing long waves of brown curly hair. For anyone that knows me, well, curly, hair….

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(For better, for worse as you will soon see…)

I replied to both guys messages and over the week chatted to them both. It became quickly apparent that they were incredibly different people. Sam almost immediately got a date in the diary for us to go on a first date (a week later) and we only spoke very briefly over message, I guess a surgeon can’t be glued to his phone, so we didn’t really build any message rapport. Joey, on the other hand, messaged a lot and I have got to be honest lapped up the attention and fun, that I hadn’t really had with Oscar.

We talked a lot and about everything. He told me about his job, the fact he had been away travelling, that he had been in the army and all the way through we had the best banter.

We messaged all day, everyday. It really should have been intense but I couldn’t believe I  actually found it quite the opposite, Joey was so much fun and if in person he made me laugh as much as his messages; we were off to a great start. After a couple of days chatting, Joey had asked me to meet on the Friday. It was only the Tuesday and I was already looking forward to it.

The next day, following an awful commute across London, I arrived at the office in West London and set up my desk. After grabbing a coffee and scanning my emails, I notification came through on my whats app web (for anyone who doesn’t know about whats app web – great tool to look busy at work when you aren’t busy at all); it was Joey.

“Ok, so I can’t wait until Friday, are you free tonight?”

I did a little internal happy dance. Why was I so excited to meet a guy a guy I had never me? Turned out, it’s because I was new to the dating scene, now its a little more…

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You girls feel me…

Anyway, even the “new to the dating scene” excitable puppy me managed to reign it in. I shouldn’t be so giddy for a first date. Who knew – maybe he wouldn’t look like his pictures? Maybe I wouldn’t like him? Or worse, maybe he wouldn’t like me…

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Now that last one was silly…

As the day went on, Joey and I continued to message and pre-date nerves kicked in (thankfully they are a thing of the past). He arranged for us to meet at a diner in Covent Garden, at that point I realised I was probably over-dressed in my work attire but would have to roll with it. The day passed quickly and before I knew it, I was back on the central line heading for my first date with Joey.

“I hope you’re as funny in real life” I joked…

“You better be too” he jibed back.

Yeah, I better be, I thought to myself as pre-date nerves kicked in. When I finally reached Covent Garden station, I was already running 15 minutes late. I rushed off the tube, to be met by the overcrowded lifts. Now, for anyone that knows Covent Garden tube station well; in rush hour, you have 2 options. 1. Wait for an age for the lifts (and I was already late) or 2. Brave the 193 steps up to ground level. I gulped, guess it was option two.

At about step 60, I realised I had indeed run with the incorrect choice. As I finally reached the top, I was grateful for the blast of cold air at the entrance. I composed myself, while trying to subtly catch my breath and waft my shirt to stop me sweating (I know, hold yourselves back gents, I’m just too irresistible). My eyes scanned the entrance, looking for a familiar face, when suddenly my eyes stuck on a guy leaning against one of the entrance pillars…. Ok, so, he did look like his pictures, if not better. 6’2, tall, tanned, leather jacket and all that hair.

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And here was me, sweaty in nude court heels. Joey noticed me and walked over. Shit, not even time for a quick make up touch up. Oh well, I guess sweaty me would have to do. “Hi B” he said and leaned in for hug, I stepped back and waved (yes waved). A hug would definitely give away the fact I had just run up 193 steps. He eyed me a little strangely. “Hi” I smiled back, trying to avoid looking mental.

We walked over to the Diner together and I noticed that Joey kept standing to the left of me. “Everything okay?” I asked. “Is that not my good side?”. He shuffled slightly. “I’m actually partially deaf” he murmured. Of course! I thought to myself, he had been in the army. He had joked over whats app, but I was never sure when he was being serious or not. My words fumbled out an apology, but he was really sweet and took it in his stride. This actually made me like him more.

When we arrived at the diner, we ordered food and chatted over burgers and beers. Even though we had talked a lot over message, we still had so much to say and I was having a great date. He complimented me on how much I ate (I basically eat like a boy) and how polite I was. Joey was lovely and we had a lot in common. He also definitely wasn’t quite as much the show off he had been over whats app.

After a lovely dinner, I could tell both of us didn’t really want the date to end. Instead of heading back we walked to a pub in central. We grabbed drinks and found a quiet corner of the pub. The drinks flowed, as did the conversation and the cheeky Joey that has chatted over message seemed to come out more. He teased me and made cheeky jokes. It wasn’t really fair that he was that hot and funny. I am pretty much 100% sure, I spent the date looking like this…

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Playing it cool as always…

When the bell for final orders rang, I was shocked at how quickly time had passed. Joey and I left the pub together and decided to walk back to the tube station. As we walked back, it was evident we were both feeling a little drunk. We were flirting massively and I was kind of hoping that there was a first date kiss on the way, I was way too nervous to make the first move so instead kept playfully pushing him (like an overgrown seven year old, smooth again).

We finally cut through a quiet road, to the tube station, when out of no where and quite happily to my surprise – Joey suddenly grabbed hold of me and kissed me. Now when I say kissed me, it was no boring, awkward first kiss date. This was hands in hair (well hands all over), pushed up against the wall amazing first date kiss. And there is was, the thing we all claim to seek…

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The rare spark!

After our kiss, I was a little speechless, I have only had two kisses like that so it was kind of unexpected. We joked on the way back to the tube and Joey walked me to my platform.

“I really want to see you again” said Joey, as the train pulled into the platform. I smirked at him.

“Maybe” I teased (I was for sure lying). “I’m not sure I had a good time”

He laughed and kissed me good-bye, there it was again….

 

As I headed home on the tube, people stared at me as I sat grinning like a cheshire cat . After 6 months with Oscar, I had never felt a spark or chatted so much. In one date with Joey, I had done all of that and was excited to see him again. It was such a lovely start. I thought about our next date and remembered that I also had a date lined up the following week, eeek! I would have to cancel.

Little did I know, there was a reason that everything was so sparky with Joey, plus find out more about the super surgeon date and why Joey and I were to go out with as much of a bang as we went in with.

Thanks for reading again!

B x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to handle heartbreak…

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So guys, following my post on Oscar, I thought it quite apt to write about somewhere we have all checked into at some stage in our lives; Heartbreak Hotel.

Although breaking up with Oscar was sad, I would never have described it as true “heart break”. However, recently, I experienced my first heartbreak (I know, sad right? Someone queue Alicia Keyes “If I ain’t got you” so I can be dramatic please).

My recent break up was not a normal or a pleasant ending (in fact, one of the worst stories I have to date) so I think I’m in a fair place to offer advice and as such I wanted to share things that have helped me and talk about a subject that is rarely breached openly.

I hope if you are experiencing a rough time, this helps!

Enjoy x (P.s. as this is a pretty sad subject I added Simpson’s meme’s because … well… who isn’t cheered up by Homer?)

The Initial Shock

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The initial shock of a break up can leave us feeling a little numb and in a daze. Whether you are the bigger part of the broken heart, the decision maker, if there is extremely bad blood or otherwise; the removal of a big part of your life will leave a gaping hole. Whether it’s the morning text, the cute memes, the kiss goodnight; the initial removal of that special someone is a little bit like an electric shock. At a big horrible high voltage electric shock.

My advice; let it sink in! I made the mistake of making myself incredibly busy and ignoring what had happened, the sooner you allow things to sink in, the sooner you start to work through it. I promise, the constant high volts of shock soon wear off and are less powerful.

Never under any circumstances disregard your feelings or let others 

I am guilty of being incredibly hard on myself, I am impatient by nature and as such expect to feel better almost immediately. The reality of this is similar to above, if you disregard your feelings or rush them you are not giving your emotions credit or space and therefore not dealing with them.

Whether your heartbreak is following 6 months, 6 years or 60 years (I’m good for the 60 by the way, thanks Hun) it does not matter. Your feelings are your feelings and shouldn’t be discredited for an amount of time, a circumstance or discredited by anyone. Cry when you need to and smile when you can.

In my experience getting under someone has never helped me get over anything…

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Once the initial shock has worn off, I’m pretty sure this is something we have all being guilty of (if not, hats off to you). Whether you’ve knee jerk reacted and had a one night stand (check out our pod cast on one night stands – becauseysheblogs.com/podcasts) or rekindled with an ex (who was likely a moron in the first place) in my experience the brief “feel good” feeling soon wears off and you are left feeling worse than you did in the first place. My advice; give yourself a break – don’t seek comfort that is superficial. Spend time with your friend and leave the fun for when you’re in the right place for it!

Cut the contact

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As difficult as this is (and it is!), if the decision has been made to no longer be with a certain person, you are going to make your life a lot easier by actually not being with them. As challenging as it may be, it is healthier and easier for you to continue healing.

So my advice, delete the number, delete the pictures and (the biggie) – delete their social media! Social media stalking (we’ve all done it) is detrimental, particularly if you have an overactive anxious brain. What starts off as a harmless snoop leads to you being months deep into Gemma from his offices Instagram, you’ve mentally married them off and now want to jump out of the window (No? Just me?).

On a serious note, no good can come of contact. Focus your energies on you and continue moving on.

Don’t stress if eating is an issue 

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Has anyone heard of the break up diet? It is the most effective weight loss programme out there (unhealthiest way to lose weight but cloud, silver lining and all that). With my anxiety, as soon as I hit any form of stressful situation my appetite depletes almost immediately, so when heartbreak hit, it was a real struggle. I also speak to a lot of friends who have the complete opposite reaction and basically eat the world let alone their feelings. My advice; don’t be too hard on yourself eat what you can, when you can and try and fill your body with the right fuel. (Check out my post on self love as to how my diet has helped support my mood)

Rose tinted glasses syndrome

As time passes, you start to look back favourably and longingly at the past. You remember the good times and your brain (bad brain) tricks you into seeing the relationship as perfect and putting the person you miss on a pedestal.

NOTE : DO NOT BE TRICKED BY BAD BRAIN

There is a reason that you are no longer with this person (whether it currently feels that way or not). If you are anything like me, when my brain wanders off down this path, I do a mental check on two things. Firstly, I make a stern mental check on the reasons I am now far better off (the positive thought process). If you are not feeling particularly positive towards the said individual, the second list I find helpful is what you don’t like about that person (rather than the rose tinted glasses view). This can be easy if you have suffered being cheated on or something particularly terrible, but if you are struggling to find something, dig deep, maybe things like the way they chewed with their mouth open or them wearing Super Dry when it’s not longer 2007 – you wouldn’t want to put your future children through witnessing those outfits, would you? It’s basically child abuse.

On a serious note, if you hold no resentment towards that person, my advice would be to look on your past as an experience as a lesson (positive or negative) and keep moving forward.

Ride it out

 

The picture says it all… I have no words. Some days I was left Bart, other days right Bart. Keep going, the swings will decline.

Surround yourself with happiness

Surrounding yourself with positivity is key. Whether that is time with great friends, doing the things you love, pampering yourself or even just lying in bed with a pizza. Make positive affirmations in your life and cut any negativity. I have even found that things like putting a new plant in the house, playing happy music and just taking a second to breathe have all helped, all of the little things soon add up.

“Time is a healer”

Okay, so I straight up wanted to punch everyone square in the face who said this to me (note. do not punch wise old Grandma in the face). Unfortunately it’s true, time is a healer. Keep on doing you and the rest will fall into place.

Don’t look back 

As time passes, the desire to look back will become less and less to the point that you will no longer want to at all (trust me, it’s liberating).

Scars of a broken heart won’t ever heal completely, but don’t let that stop you from putting your heart back out there. Remember, if you can love someone who didn’t deserve your love so much, imagine how much you’re going to love the right one.

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Thanks for reading.

B x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Google Guy and the Weekend away…

So before I continue, a bit of a heads up that this part of the story may be a little sadder than the rest. Although a little upsetting, this post focusses on what can happen when you bottle things up, how timing is everything and why you should always be true to yourself when dating. Enjoy! …

I stared at my phone, half of me wanting to read my messages, but half of me also definitely not wanting to read my messages. I had a similar feeling to that of dropping your mobile phone hard on the ground, screen down and the slow dramatic reveal – will it be smashed to pieces, will it not, will I have destroyed my dignity and look cray, will I not? Similar right?

I started to flick through the messages. First thing first, blue ticks, all read. I gulped, whatever I had said couldn’t be taken back now. All of my messages were to Oscar. As I read through, the coherency of my messages were surprising, although it was kind of like all of my doubts about our relationship had come out in one drunken message…

 

“I feel like we aren’t really on the same page…”

“I’m not sure we are compatible…”

“I don’t feel secure…”

“You are such a grown up and I’m not…”

“I don’t really know what this is…”

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Drunk Causey definitely hadn’t had my back.

Although I felt my questions were fair to ask four months in. The format in which I had addressed them really hadn’t done me any favours, plus, he hadn’t replied. Maybe drunk me had made the choice about Oscar and I’s future in one go. I put my phone down and sighed. Although I had my doubts, I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure that I wanted it to end with Oscar and was a little scared I may not have a choice in the matter moving forward.

I don’t know how other girls/guys feel but sometimes waiting on a message back can feel like an eternity. I busied myself around the house and went to the gym. I left my phone in the bedroom, so I couldn’t be tempted to check. I always hide my phone if I am waiting on a message, as if hiding it helps. “Yes phone, go and sit on your own in my room and think about what you have done”. Finally, my phone beeped and I begrudgingly read Oscar’s response;

“Hey B. Didn’t expect the above. Hope you’re okay, I had no idea you were feeling this way, you really should have talked to me” (He was right there). “Of course we are together, I am certainly not dating anyone else if that is what you mean. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to get away from the city next weekend on a little weekend break away?”

Phew, he didn’t think I was cray and if he did, at least he was being kind about my little outburst. We brushed over my drunk messages and started to chat about the weekend away. Although I was relieved that Oscar hadn’t had a complete allergic reaction to my message, something still didn’t sit quite right. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, Oscar was attractive, kind, in great job, we had great sex, he was mature and we had spent the last few months having fun. But I just didn’t feel that spark (pod cast on “the spark” to come). I could imagine Oscar making me extremely happy, but I could never see me sat on his shoulders at a festival or him ripping my clothes off and having crazy drunk sex (sorry but it was true). My brain imagined me spending my next Sunday’s having filtered coffee, watching “Morning Brunch” and I felt immediately petrified at the thought. I wasn’t a grown up yet! You couldn’t make me be!

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I halted my turbo brain before getting ahead of myself. No, Oscar was a nice guy. I would see how our weekend away went before flying off to never never land…

The week flew and before I knew it, Oscar pulled up at my apartment the following Saturday morning. I looked out of the window to see him get out of the car. Why was he so hot? Ray-banned up, in a cute shirt, stood next to his brand new convertible BMW M3, waiting for me. What was wrong with me? Why was I so unsure of this great guy. I told my brain to not over think things and grabbed my luggage. As I headed out, I caught myself in the mirror and my outfit surprised me… I actually looked kind of preppy (which for anyone who knows me, knows this is not my style). Surely, I wasn’t dressing subconsciously different around Oscar? I shook my head (shaking away the thoughts), that was silly. But deep down, I knew it was true.

On the drive to Kent, Oscar and I chatted about our weeks; work, meeting friends, gym etc. Chatting with Oscar was pleasant but it all just felt so high level and in the time we had been together, I realised we had never really had any deep conversations about anything. It was always about work or nights out, so high level, like a chat I would have with a colleague. He didn’t really like art, or music, writing or anything that I loved. On the two hour drive to Kent, there were a few awkward silences, of which I could tell both of us felt…

When we finally arrived at the lodge in Kent, the sun was shining and my mood perked. We had a cute little cabin and were in the middle of the beautiful countryside. We lugged our bags inside and lay on the bed, tired from the journey. As you can imagine, lying on a bed in a cute little lodge in the middle of nowhere is likely to lead to one thing… I don’t really know how to describe the sex with Oscar, it was good sex, but that was kind of my struggle it was good solid sex (god this sounds awful complaining about good sex). But it was never adventurous, never different and he was never going to be the guy to get me through the door and passionately rip my clothes off.

After settling into the cabin (if that is how you describe it), a walk round the countryside and neighbouring village, we headed out for dinner. As we chatted over dinner, I began to notice the short awkward silences were becoming longer, I could tell both Oscar was noticing them as well. We both tried to make an effort, but it felt so forced. Oscar even cracked an out of character joke, which took me aback. Like a nerd, I cracked a joke back and came out with the classic Inbetweeners…

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It was met with a blank stare and Oscar looking slightly confused. Okay, so he didn’t watch Inbetweener’s. This wasn’t the first time Oscar hadn’t quite been on the same level with my sense of humour. I shuffled uncomfortably in my chair and we sat in another awkward silence…

“So” I started, trying to fill the silence void (again). “What are the plans next weekend?” I asked.

“Oh, I am meeting my friend Alex for drinks” Oscar replied. Oscar talked about Alex a lot and to date, I still hadn’t met him. “If you ever meet him….” Oscar continued to chat but it blurred into background noise. The word if hung in the air. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted me to meet his best friend. In that moment, I realised that Oscar was as unsure as me on the future of us and my heart sank a little. It was hard to accept, but I could feel the end was coming.

Following a lovely weekend and a long (if not slightly awkward) journey home, we arrived back at Oscar’s place. The silences were now deafening. We spent the evening at his place but it was becoming clear we were starting to agitate one another. That night, Oscar and I had our first (and only) ever fight. It erupted over the smallest issue but  that numerous things came out, that had built up over time for both of us and it was then clear we were not in the same place. The remainder of the evening was awkward and the next morning I was relieved to head to work and further relieved that Oscar was away for a few days with work.

Through the course of the week, Oscar and I barely messaged. When Oscar got back to London from his work trip, we chatted over the phone and finally called it a day. I won’t go too much into detail here as being honest, our break up wasn’t overly dramatic just a little sad. Safe to say, I can’t say that about some of the guys as you will soon discover…

Although towards the end it was glaringly obvious we weren’t meant to be, it is always sad when something comes to an end (particularly if the other person is lovely). But I knew, that around him I was never truly myself and as wonderful as Oscar had seemed on paper, I couldn’t force it. In fact my time with him actually helped me learn you can’t force feelings (nor can you force yourself to not feel as I unfortunately learn further down the line).

Although things with Oscar weren’t right, break ups are always tough and I have a post coming this week on how to handle heartbreak, although I’m certainly no expert. (FYI, Oscar was not heart break but felt it relevant to post this week). I took a couple of months out after Oscar and I split, to spend time with friends and re-coup my thoughts.

Coming up, I never would have thought that in my first few dates back being single, I would meet the complete opposite of Oscar and find things I had always wished he could give. Get ready to meet the super surgeon Sam and embark on the turbulent journey that is Joey …

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and join me as I realise you should be careful what you wish for…

Thanks for reading again!

B

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