The Comedians Final Curtain Call…

So ladies (and gents) thanks for coming back to say good bye to Joey. I can’t say I will ever fully understand the end of this story (laughing as I write this) but I think this post covers why you shouldn’t always trust what is said and why a player will always be a player… 

Following an early morning gym session, that had certainly overrun, I was rushing to the tube station to try and avoid the morning commuters (at 8.30 am the central line is what I imagine the entrance to hell looks like). As I basically threw myself through the closing tube doors (zero drama) I saw the reflection of a crazy, sweaty, curly haired woman and composed myself. Since when had I become a Londoner? I used to laugh at the people who ran for the tube when there would be another two minutes later… silly Londoners … now ….

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As I settled uncomfortably onto the tube, I felt my phone vibrate and I squeezed to pull it from my pocket (accidentally feeling up a fellow commuter). I awkwardly pulled up my home screen and my stomach did a little flip. 

MESSAGE: JOEY

Why on earth would Joey be messaging? Considering how unpleasant our last meeting had been, I was really surprised he was in touch. (Note, I love how cute and naive B at the time thought this was an out of the ordinary move from a guy.) Ladies, it turns out, sadly Joey isn’t even a one off – I have had return of the Mac happen with the Joey, my work wife AND “Sam the snake” (honestly, keep reading) and on every occasion as much as it never ceases to amaze me nothing ever changes. Guys coming back into your life is a little bit like those broken down, old ghost trains you used to ride at fairs as a child. You go round again and again, but it is still the same old “not so scary” ghosts that seem to re-appear. 

I don’t think a lot of people speak openly about dating and in particular the mistakes we make when dating. Hands up on my part, I have definitely let people back into my life that didn’t deserve or haven’t earned a place in it, so can firmly give the following advice

“Don’t choose some one if they have to think twice about choosing you”

Know your worth and if you see a ghost of the past heading your way…

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Anywhooo, I started down at the phone, unsure of how to respond to Joey’s message asking how I was. I hadn’t dated anyone since Joey and had actually missed the time we had spent together. What harm could one little message back do ….

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Joey and I’s chemistry reignited pretty much instantly over message. We chatted back and forth and updated each other on our lives. After a couple of days talking, it felt like we had hit rewind on the last three months, so I wasn’t surprised when Joey asked me out for dinner and as the evening came round, I was actually starting to feel a little nervous. What if it wasn’t the same? What if I didn’t like him any more? What if he had cut his hair short? (the horrifying possibilities were endless.) 

As I walked into the restaurant that Joey and I had agreed to meet in, I searched around for a familiar face when I recognised the long haired, tall, leather jacketed babe in the corner. It was super annoying how hot he was. He stood up, waved and smiled “Hey B” he said. It was then I knew… 

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Don’t judge me. It had been three months. Of course I was. 

Joey and I’s dinner went swimmingly, we chatted about anything and everything and as always I didn’t stop laughing. As much as I was still smiling in Joey’s company, there was still a small niggle in me that something wasn’t quite sitting right (gut ladies, listen!). However, I shrugged away my “off” feeling and put it to the back of my mind, I should just enjoy the evening, you know, “living in the moment” (Note. that was me convincing myself; I am definitely not a “live in the moment” kind of girl, I’m more of a “I like to know what moment this is? What this moment will do to me? And how long does this moment take” type). 

Anywhoo, as we ate, the conversation flowed and so did the wine. 

After updates on job, family and friends, the conversation led onto our love lives over the last 3 month. Joey asked me if I had been dating (and I hadn’t) I asked him the same question (I’m direct like that – surprise). Turns out he hadn’t either. Even the first time round dating, I had always thought Joey may have been a bit of a player, so the fact he hadn’t been dating and sleeping around assured me slightly. Perhaps he had changed… 

9 hours later…

My alarm bell rang painfully and woke me from what apparently was a very deep sleep. I sat up abruptly and felt the room follow my movements. WOW, I was hungover! I glanced around and knew immediately it was Joey’s room. 

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We all make them hey?

After excepting my terrible behaviour, I carefully crept out of bedroom to go and grab water from the kitchen. As I poured myself a glass to revive my headache, my brain went over the following evenings events. I didn’t know why I felt so off , but I wasn’t feeling overly happy that I had ended up here, but I had no idea why I felt that way. Joey and I had so much fun, but I still had that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, what was that? He was such a nice guy and he hadn’t been seeing anyone else (not that it would have mattered either way) but least he had been honest. The door behind me closed and I jumped out of day dream, it was Joey. 

“Hey B” he said “I am heading off to work. Make yourself at home, you know where everything is. I will message you later” and with that he kissed me awkwarlfy on the cheek and shuffled out of the front door. 

I went back to the bedroom feeling a little perturbed. I sat down and started the attempt to tidy up my messy mane. As I brushed through the curls, my mind wandered, why had Joey been so sheepish? I started in the mirror 

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I admitted defeat, nothing was taming the mane that day, pony tail it was.

I looked around searching for one of Joey’s hair ties (yes I said that). I scanned around his desk, the TV stand and bed side table. No hair tie! I definitely couldn’t go outdoors with my hair like this. I pulled open the drawer of the bedside table and there is was ladies and gents… 

A collection of 10 beautiful sex toys.

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Yeah, I was as confused as you. 

I stared into the drawer and it’s contents. Erm… I wasn’t completey sure what was going on here. Now, ladies, when I say sex toys, I don’t mean a good old fashioned bullet or something like that, this was altogether different, there were so many and such variety. Toys, cuffs, sex tape, double penetration dildos! I literally felt like I had walked into a central Ann Summer store, I was half expecting a party rep to pop up and ask me how I felt about anal beads (just going to throw it out there – not great). 

This pleasure drawer certainly hadn’t been here last time I had stayed? And I was pretty sure Joey had said the previous evening that there hadn’t been anyone else?

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Seriously, could there be a more relevant gif? Answer – No.

Still majorly confused with the discovered dildo drawer, I needed second opinions. So, I did what any woman worth her salt would do. I took a picture and sent it to the girls whats app group. (obvs)

I don’t think there has ever been more unanimous “lols” recorded in any one group chat in the history of the world.

Not one of the girls could believe it, they had all liked Joey so much and now we were all trying to understand why one man would ever need to own more than one double penetration dildo (sentences I never thought I would write, entry one) . 

After chatting with the girls, I messaged Joey to explain my findings. I was greeted with the following emoji;

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Turns out, Joey had been telling teeny tiny little fibs. I got the usual excuses; “It was a one off” and my personal fave “You’re just too intimidating to tell”. 

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Duh, of course it was my fault.

Safe to say, it turns out no matter how much of a spark we had, Joey and I just weren’t each others “one”.

I guess he just wasn’t into commitment and me, well, I guess I’m just not into anal beads. 

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Luckily ladies, the next date in my diary showed me something a lot better than sex toys and I can’t wait to tell you all about it. 

Thanks again for reading! 

B x

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4 thoughts on “The Comedians Final Curtain Call…

Add yours

  1. The funniest part of this blog was not the drawer of madness, but you describing yourself as the “what moment are we in” type of girl… Beck’s it’s you to a tee and what I love about you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So not one of your girlfriends had suspicions about Joey before then?! Wow!

    And I’ve never been sure what a woman would think if she found a drawer like that with toys that weren’t her own; now I know the answer!!!

    Like

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