So before I continue, a bit of a heads up that this part of the story may be a little sadder than the rest. Although a little upsetting, this post focusses on what can happen when you bottle things up, how timing is everything and why you should always be true to yourself when dating. Enjoy! …
I stared at my phone, half of me wanting to read my messages, but half of me also definitely not wanting to read my messages. I had a similar feeling to that of dropping your mobile phone hard on the ground, screen down and the slow dramatic reveal – will it be smashed to pieces, will it not, will I have destroyed my dignity and look cray, will I not? Similar right?
I started to flick through the messages. First thing first, blue ticks, all read. I gulped, whatever I had said couldn’t be taken back now. All of my messages were to Oscar. As I read through, the coherency of my messages were surprising, although it was kind of like all of my doubts about our relationship had come out in one drunken message…
“I feel like we aren’t really on the same page…”
“I’m not sure we are compatible…”
“I don’t feel secure…”
“You are such a grown up and I’m not…”
“I don’t really know what this is…”
Drunk Causey definitely hadn’t had my back.
Although I felt my questions were fair to ask four months in. The format in which I had addressed them really hadn’t done me any favours, plus, he hadn’t replied. Maybe drunk me had made the choice about Oscar and I’s future in one go. I put my phone down and sighed. Although I had my doubts, I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure that I wanted it to end with Oscar and was a little scared I may not have a choice in the matter moving forward.
I don’t know how other girls/guys feel but sometimes waiting on a message back can feel like an eternity. I busied myself around the house and went to the gym. I left my phone in the bedroom, so I couldn’t be tempted to check. I always hide my phone if I am waiting on a message, as if hiding it helps. “Yes phone, go and sit on your own in my room and think about what you have done”. Finally, my phone beeped and I begrudgingly read Oscar’s response;
“Hey B. Didn’t expect the above. Hope you’re okay, I had no idea you were feeling this way, you really should have talked to me” (He was right there). “Of course we are together, I am certainly not dating anyone else if that is what you mean. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to get away from the city next weekend on a little weekend break away?”
Phew, he didn’t think I was cray and if he did, at least he was being kind about my little outburst. We brushed over my drunk messages and started to chat about the weekend away. Although I was relieved that Oscar hadn’t had a complete allergic reaction to my message, something still didn’t sit quite right. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, Oscar was attractive, kind, in great job, we had great sex, he was mature and we had spent the last few months having fun. But I just didn’t feel that spark (pod cast on “the spark” to come). I could imagine Oscar making me extremely happy, but I could never see me sat on his shoulders at a festival or him ripping my clothes off and having crazy drunk sex (sorry but it was true). My brain imagined me spending my next Sunday’s having filtered coffee, watching “Morning Brunch” and I felt immediately petrified at the thought. I wasn’t a grown up yet! You couldn’t make me be!
I halted my turbo brain before getting ahead of myself. No, Oscar was a nice guy. I would see how our weekend away went before flying off to never never land…
The week flew and before I knew it, Oscar pulled up at my apartment the following Saturday morning. I looked out of the window to see him get out of the car. Why was he so hot? Ray-banned up, in a cute shirt, stood next to his brand new convertible BMW M3, waiting for me. What was wrong with me? Why was I so unsure of this great guy. I told my brain to not over think things and grabbed my luggage. As I headed out, I caught myself in the mirror and my outfit surprised me… I actually looked kind of preppy (which for anyone who knows me, knows this is not my style). Surely, I wasn’t dressing subconsciously different around Oscar? I shook my head (shaking away the thoughts), that was silly. But deep down, I knew it was true.
On the drive to Kent, Oscar and I chatted about our weeks; work, meeting friends, gym etc. Chatting with Oscar was pleasant but it all just felt so high level and in the time we had been together, I realised we had never really had any deep conversations about anything. It was always about work or nights out, so high level, like a chat I would have with a colleague. He didn’t really like art, or music, writing or anything that I loved. On the two hour drive to Kent, there were a few awkward silences, of which I could tell both of us felt…
When we finally arrived at the lodge in Kent, the sun was shining and my mood perked. We had a cute little cabin and were in the middle of the beautiful countryside. We lugged our bags inside and lay on the bed, tired from the journey. As you can imagine, lying on a bed in a cute little lodge in the middle of nowhere is likely to lead to one thing… I don’t really know how to describe the sex with Oscar, it was good sex, but that was kind of my struggle it was good solid sex (god this sounds awful complaining about good sex). But it was never adventurous, never different and he was never going to be the guy to get me through the door and passionately rip my clothes off.
After settling into the cabin (if that is how you describe it), a walk round the countryside and neighbouring village, we headed out for dinner. As we chatted over dinner, I began to notice the short awkward silences were becoming longer, I could tell both Oscar was noticing them as well. We both tried to make an effort, but it felt so forced. Oscar even cracked an out of character joke, which took me aback. Like a nerd, I cracked a joke back and came out with the classic Inbetweeners…
It was met with a blank stare and Oscar looking slightly confused. Okay, so he didn’t watch Inbetweener’s. This wasn’t the first time Oscar hadn’t quite been on the same level with my sense of humour. I shuffled uncomfortably in my chair and we sat in another awkward silence…
“So” I started, trying to fill the silence void (again). “What are the plans next weekend?” I asked.
“Oh, I am meeting my friend Alex for drinks” Oscar replied. Oscar talked about Alex a lot and to date, I still hadn’t met him. “If you ever meet him….” Oscar continued to chat but it blurred into background noise. The word if hung in the air. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted me to meet his best friend. In that moment, I realised that Oscar was as unsure as me on the future of us and my heart sank a little. It was hard to accept, but I could feel the end was coming.
Following a lovely weekend and a long (if not slightly awkward) journey home, we arrived back at Oscar’s place. The silences were now deafening. We spent the evening at his place but it was becoming clear we were starting to agitate one another. That night, Oscar and I had our first (and only) ever fight. It erupted over the smallest issue but that numerous things came out, that had built up over time for both of us and it was then clear we were not in the same place. The remainder of the evening was awkward and the next morning I was relieved to head to work and further relieved that Oscar was away for a few days with work.
Through the course of the week, Oscar and I barely messaged. When Oscar got back to London from his work trip, we chatted over the phone and finally called it a day. I won’t go too much into detail here as being honest, our break up wasn’t overly dramatic just a little sad. Safe to say, I can’t say that about some of the guys as you will soon discover…
Although towards the end it was glaringly obvious we weren’t meant to be, it is always sad when something comes to an end (particularly if the other person is lovely). But I knew, that around him I was never truly myself and as wonderful as Oscar had seemed on paper, I couldn’t force it. In fact my time with him actually helped me learn you can’t force feelings (nor can you force yourself to not feel as I unfortunately learn further down the line).
Although things with Oscar weren’t right, break ups are always tough and I have a post coming this week on how to handle heartbreak, although I’m certainly no expert. (FYI, Oscar was not heart break but felt it relevant to post this week). I took a couple of months out after Oscar and I split, to spend time with friends and re-coup my thoughts.
Coming up, I never would have thought that in my first few dates back being single, I would meet the complete opposite of Oscar and find things I had always wished he could give. Get ready to meet the super surgeon Sam and embark on the turbulent journey that is Joey …
and join me as I realise you should be careful what you wish for…
Thanks for reading again!